Cycle Breaker
The holiday season has officially ended, and we all know what holidays bring up-family drama. And really, family drama is usually just unresolved generational trauma.
“Inter-generational trauma is a concept developed to help explain years of generational challenges within families. It is the transmission (or sending down to younger generations) of the oppressive or traumatic effects of a historical event“ (https://oie.duke.edu/inter-generational-trauma-6-ways-it-affects-families) For example, I come from a pretty long line of abusive alcoholics. If you go back through my family’s history, we’re a few generations out from people living in war. What does war create? PTSD. What do people do to cope with PTSD? Self-medicate. How do people act under the influence of certain drugs? (again, alcohol IS a drug) Abusive,neglectful, irresponsible. So, 100+ years ago, my great, great great grandfather, Seamus McGenericIrishman, was fighting the British (like everyone else in the world) and he got home and drank to block out the atrocities of war, and when he got drunk, he terrorized his family. Now, Seamus Jr and little Seamusette think this is how normal families work and act the same way and here we are centuries later still being hurt by the trauma Seamus endured in the war. So, while my direct trauma is connected to my father being an abusive alcoholic (and subsequent life events) it all goes back to whatever Seamus experienced in the war. The hunger from the Great Depression created disordered eating a few generations later. A pregnant teen who’s child was stolen by the church, never formed a bond with later children, creating generations of children who don’t know how to nurture. And so on, and so on. There’s a million different families and a million different stories.
(And once you realize our whole planet is effected by generational trauma because someone’s always at war it’s overwhelming-but that’s a really complicated situation that I don’t think I can truly grasp)
At some point though, someone has to stop it. Just because it’s “normal “ doesn’t mean it should continue. When you decide you aren’t going to continue doing the same as them, it gets personal. Your parents/grandparents/extended family will take it as a personal insult that you don’t want to do things like them. But it’s VERY important to remember: “Too many people spend their lives being dutiful descendants instead of good ancestors. The responsibility of each generation is not to please their predecessors, it’s to improve things for their offspring. It’s more important to make your children proud than your parents proud.”-Adam Grant
An interesting perspective though is thinking about the cycles they DID break. My dad is terrible, but guess what he didn’t do-he didn’t hit us (I mean the occasional swat, but NOT ONE traumatizing beating). He was beat, but he didn’t beat us. (Yes, others, but not his children). Progress. I acknowledge and am grateful for that progress. While my mom put us in a situation to be raised by a brutal narcissist (step-dad), she also divorced these men. Walking away instead of staying is progress. Exemplifying strength is the perspective and progress I’m going to absorb.
I never want to blame other generations before for the co-mingled trauma. It’s never truly individual people creating it-individuals are suffering from collective problems. For example, it’s easy to say the moms of the 80s were pretty negligent. But they were just trying to figure it out-It was the first time they were expected to work full-time and be full-time moms. In exchange, everyone got divorced, we were fed poison and shoved in front of the TV, we were alone a lot. It was clearly damaging and is reflected in the fact that as a generation we’re addicted, depressed and anxious. But, it wasn’t my mom per se, it was societies’ demands of her.
And ultimately, we have to thank the generations before for creating us-the people who are strong enough to make the change. While there has been trauma, we have also been forged with ancestral wisdom. I had a great grandma who was a Prohibitionist, ancestors who were political rebels, I know there’s a priestess or a saint floating around in there. They passed on wisdom to be used when the time was right. And it’s right now. This past universal trauma we all shared in 2020 brought up everything we’ve been pretending wasn’t happening. My personal trauma of losing Ian brought up all of the trauma we’ve been putting on our children in the name of “parenting “ because I can’t IMAGINE any of my surviving children feeling like I don’t love them because I follow parenting advice instead of my gut.
The reason generation’s before us are hellbent on shaming us for doing it wrong is because if we’re doing it wrong, then they did it right. They’re carrying a lot of guilt and trying to justify it. We’ve all done it. Guilt usually means you care.
So learn from mistakes and embrace generational wisdom. Most importantly, if you want to change generational trauma, look at the things that hurt you as a kid and STOP DOING THEM! And thank your parents for somehow, someway (even though it’s usually negative) they made you strong enough to change things for your kids and the generations to follow.
