Dear daughter

Everyone says, “just you wait, you’ll get a daughter just like you” as if it’s a threat.

Well, I must’ve been AWESOME than! But seriously, my oldest daughter is me. She’s brilliant, with a gift for words, outgoing, sensitive, fierce. A yearning to disrupt the status quo. Eldest daughters should rule the world!

How do I take all of the pieces from the women in my life and create the right mother for you? My own mother wasn’t toxic or abusive, but unfortunately she was weak-so I became strong. I’ve also never met a person kinder to strangers in my life. She is genuine in her capacity to make others feel warm in her presence. I’m trying to fight the things her heart wanted to, but that the abuse crushed it. And I’ve been heavily influenced by mothers who have given me direct insight of how not to treat her based on the pain I feel because off they’re words and actions. They’ve taught me that no matter what you do, what you say, what your intention is, or what you provide-that at the end of the day people will only respond to you based on how you make them FEEL.

This is the part of my life where I’m learning to be my OWN savior, my OWN safe space. And that’s the part of me that’s going to create a better life for YOU. And to teach you to be your own authority, and have me as your backup.

Did your little brother and sister get a better, healthier, more healed version of me when they were little? Absolutely. So, they will probably grow up with softer spirits than you (and definitely me!). But you will get something extra that they won’t-you saw me fight to get there. You’ve seen me screaming, crying with my head in the grass *but after that, you saw me get up and try something new that was going to make me feel better.

My whole goal in life is to be someone my kids can be proud of. That looks different for everyone. Society taught you to be proud of me the day I got dressed for my new job. But, I’m proud of me for later that day, when I was walking miles in the dark with no phone or money, and a paper map to get from the hospital to a rehab facility.

And watching her grow up is some kind of 90s time warp. She’s wearing the same clothes, listening to the same music. It’s actually pulling me into my brain at 13. And putting myself in her shoes is forcing me to re-examine my formative years and realizing I have to heal from the way people treated me so I don’t repeat it. I know what hurt me and I won’t let it happen to you. Some people say I’m jaded, but I say I’m experienced.

I won’t comment on your body. It’s yours. However it looks, it’s serving you perfectly for your stage of life

I will never say, “they didn’t mean it”. And when you say someone is hurting you, I won’t challenge your feelings.

I will never give you a scale to measure up to. I’ve been surrounded by people who do the “you got 6/7 A’s, why did you get 1 B” type of people and it is waking up feeling like a failure every day. I had a step-parent like this and it led me to look to another parent figure that I would ultimately always be lacking. You’re scale is within. I’ll meet you at your scale and you tell me where I can lift you up (and I’ll do my best to use my mom-clairvoyance to do it without you having to ask)

I’ll be your shield. There is so much going on behind the scenes in your life right now. I won’t even type about it on here because you might find this blog.

I will show you it’s ok to get demolished. Life has obliterated me, like more than humanly possible. If I tried to pretend I was ok after everything I’ve been through, it would be a disservice to you. But, the two of us are magical and we are going to transform our pain into things that inspire others. I’ll write and you’ll create art that only souls who know pain can make.

I’ll say I’m sorry. And I’ll do it a lot, genuinely. I still have 80s hardwiring. I still have a lot of weird parenting behaviors that no one would understand unless they went through my stuff.

You are IT! I’m excited for the things that you’re going to keep teaching me and to watch how you make your impact on the world. Your bursting with love and ferocity and that combination will change things.

You are deeply loved💕

I can’t wait to see who she is without incessant criticism, alcoholism, narcissism. And I’m starting to get scrappy to make sure that she doesn’t learn to be an adult with these as normal behaviors to emulate.How I would have flourished if I were nurtured. I went through insane trauma as a teen and young adult and I didn’t have an adult, everyone was drunk or protecting people who were. I can’t even imagine drinking again and being that unreliable. These things may still occur, but at least the one thing I can do (and have control over) is committing to staying solid.

And just a reminder-Damn the man, save the Empire! 💪