daddy dearest
Father’s day…what does that mean to me? Not much really. I didn’t even call my dad yesterday. I called my grandpa though-he was the best example of a father I had growing up. There are 4 men in my life that I look to for examples of being a father: My dad, my step-dad, my grandfather, and my husband. All of these men have shaped my feelings toward what a good dad is or isn’t. I’ll give you one story that sums up each of them:
Dad: I think it was my 16th birthday. He didn’t even call. Not really surprised, but at this point in my life I was still disappointed when he didn’t come through. He called me a few weeks later, the day after Father’s Day reeming me out for not calling him. I basically said, “fuck you, you didn’t even call me on my birthday”, to which he replies, “well, I couldn’t, I was in jail”.
Step-dad: It was the senior game where all the seniors get recognized (I was a cheerleader). Each senior is presented on the field and they call their parents down for each student. When the announcer called my parents, he said “Mr. and Mrs. Rafferty” (Their last name was different), so when they were supposed to walk onto the field, he walked out of the stadium, while my mom walked onto the field alone. God forbid people associate him as my actual dad.
Grandpa: I was always special. I was his only granddaughter and he made me feel like I was always the most important person around. He constantly reminded me that I was smart and even found ways to get my college scholarships. He’s helped me move, buy my first car, and drive standard. He’s always had high expectations of me, and I always strove to achieve what he believed me to be capable of.
Brett: He loves all his children, but if you could’ve seen how this man learned to take care of Ian, you would be impressed. Ian was even hard for a lot of nurses. He didn’t know anything about brain injuries, seizures, tube feeding, respiratory issues, spasticity etc. But he learned everything and made a huge effort for Ian to have a good life. It was so hard, that a lot of dads would’ve just left. And not only did he stay, he excelled.
It’s honestly hard to talk about my dad and my step-dad without slandering them. I could tell you story upon story about negative things they have done to me. But, I’m at a point where I don’t have anything nice to say about them or give them any redeeming qualities. They are straight up not good people. My father is going through a lot of health issues where the state is looking to get him a court-appointed guardian. They called and asked me-I straight up said “no”. That was a really hard decision for me. It is second nature to me to help anyone who needs it, especially family. But, my son just died, I live everyday trying to keep it together, and I owe this man nothing. I have to focus on the well-being of myself and my children, and getting involved in his care is just not something I am mentally capable of doing, or quite frankly, willing to do at this point. Once Ian got hurt, I stopped speaking to him. He has brought me nothing but pain in my life, and my tolerance for it dissipated after I had other pain to deal with. I can appreciate him for giving me life, and we definitely had some adventures that make for good stories. and giving me motivation to be a better parent- but that’s about it. I can no longer have things in my life that bring so much negativity. I sound cold-hearted and selfish, but keeping my mental peace is my top priority. At some point in all of our lives we will come across family members that are toxic and it’s really hard to let them go. But, sometimes it’s a necessity. Once I gave up the expectations of these men and took pride in my own family (and marrying someone I knew would be a good father) I learned to love me, something they weren’t capable of.