all over the place
This is a post fueled by anxiety. I don’t even have a topic, I just feel like I need to get some of my feelings out before I bust. There is some stuff going on with my husband right now, but I don’t like to air our private business (not yet anyway, once I figure out how to get through it, that’s a different story). My anxiety is the worst when I feel have no control over things, and I guess that’s why I feel like that today. Actually, that about sums up my past 18 months. We all had high anxiety during lock-down… I don’t know about you, but I was thinking I was gonna have to learn to chop wood or hunt. The election situation. And obviously, Ian dying made my feel utterly powerless. I didn’t save him. There was nothing we could have done TO save him. We all got royally fucked in this life, and there’s no way around it, and not one decision I make for the rest of my life can make that any better. I have no control. And, I’m watching Emmy grow up, I realize I have no actual control over her life. I can guide and advise her, discipline her when necessary, and teach her values, but I can’t actually make any decisions for her. And when I think about THAT, I think about how I did actually make decisions for Ian-all of them. I decided when he ate, I decided when I changed him, I decided what position he was in for God’s sake. Imagine the anxiety he had? He couldn’t even control his head. But, the only time I saw him anxious is when he didn’t trust or like somebody. He made sure that he would freak the eff out so that I wouldn’t leave him. I swear he had a sixth sense about people (I think a lot of people with disabilities do, if you can’t do certain things, you’re body becomes hypersensitive to other things).
A lot of times I get anxiety when I don’t know the answer to things, or when I can’t understand things. And I haven’t understood anything since Ian died. I can’t understand why I’m breathing and he’s not. I can’t understand why my poor husband had to be the one with him again, why he would have to carry that burden again. I can’t understand why my poor children are going through awful things (also, things I have no control over). I can’t understand why I have been able to help so many people, but why I can’t help people I care about. I don’t know what happens when we die. I don’t know if our souls really are existential (actually, I feel like I almost know that, but I don’t understand any of it). I don’t know how other mother’s have successfully survived this pain, have maintained a life, a family, a marriage. I don’t know how anyone can ever make a decision again without having their child in mind, then having to remind yourself, with every decision, that they aren’t there.
But, there are things I have control over and I do understand a lot of things. Actually, the only thing I really have control over is preparation for things and my response to things. For example-I can prepare to NOT have a mental breakdown by taking my meds, and seeing a therapist. If that does happen, I can choose how I react, I can make the decision to get help. And, I can prepare my children for the world, and if things go askew I can control my response to the best of my ability. And there are some things I do know now. I know what matters in life. I really really value my family. I will fight fiercely to protect them and sometimes save them from themselves. I’m important. I didn’t know that for a long time. I’ve learned that we all have a purpose, even if we’re just discovering it through wretched tragedy.
I can try, forever, to do my best-whatever that may be. That’s all I can control,