daisy 2000

Oh college. What a time in my life. It was the best time of my life (until it wasn’t), but there is so much about that girl that I can’t even recognize. I left home as soon as possible after high school, and I picked the college that was the furthest away (it was a 6 hour drive). I had to pay for school myself, so I only applied to state schools. And kids at state colleges are a little less sophisticated than their private school counterparts, so it was better for me anyway. I instantly went a little crazy. My parents were so strict that I couldn’t wait to experience life a little more. As soon as I got to school, I knew I wanted to join a sorority, They were pretty, popular, and partied. I wanted to be accepted and adored. If I were in a sorority, people would continue believing I was a normal person, that I didn’t come from a horrible home. It was the perfect cover-know one had to find out how broken I was, and no one did. Not to mention, if I was in a sorority I could probably get a good looking frat guy to fall for me, and the vision would be complete. Picture perfect. I pledged Phi Kappa Chi in Spring 2000 and became a Clio daisy.

Now don’t get me wrong, the people I met are still some of my best friends, and almost everybody has grown into a stable adult, but wow were we all part of a toxic culture. And these are still the best times of my life, but man were we stupid. I think about how outlandish the idea of pledging is, the fact I let people yell at me and did ridiculous things (you know what’s weird? I still feel like what actually happens during pledging is only for us to know) and I yelled at people and made them do ridiculous things-yet we were all the best of friends. (I think the psychological term for this is trauma bonding). Not to mention the dangerous amounts of drinking and drugs that were part of everything we did. And obviously, rape culture was the norm. There is one specific incident that really sticks out in that regard. There was an event you might have heard of called “Take Back the Night” , where women across college campuses marched to protest campus rape and raise awareness for what was happening to female students. Fraternity friends of mine stood outside their fraternity house yelling at them, throwing things at them, and mocking them as they went by. And, I probably went to the afterhours party at their house that night. I went and hung out with guys that were just threatening women who didn’t want to get raped. And, I doubt I even told them it was fucked up-I might have even laughed about it. I was so wrapped up in being the perfect, pretty, party girl, that I wasn’t concerned about others.

I started dating immediately and continuously as soon as I got to school. I was never not seeing someone. I fell in love for the first time when I was 19 years old. He was handsome, a player, and had never had a serious girlfriend…so naturally, I thought that by getting the guy who didn’t want to “settle down” to fall for me, I was winning this whole game. Obviously, that was some delusional thinking by a girl with no good relationship model and a desperate need to be loved. We had a horrible on/off relationship for almost 2 years. He slept with other people the whole time we were dating. For the first year, I don’t think he did it that often-he actually liked me somewhat at that point. After about a year, I told him I loved him, to which he promptly broke up with me. After this is when I realized I had zero self-esteem. He and I basically stayed in the exact same relationship, but when he would sleep with people, he would say to me, “but we aren’t together”, and I would act crazy about it, and then we would fall back in the same pattern. I want to blame him for treating me bad, but I let him. He was honest about who he was, and I just kept being second choice-because being second is better than not being loved at all. And, he was in his early 20’s where all decisions are based on sex. If he didn’t pick up some other girl, he knew he could call me and I would be there. It set the tone for the rest of my relationships. After he graduated, I started senior year without any love in my life, and zero self esteem and respect. Even though we were just 2 people who weren’t meant to be together, I thought of myself as a failure and unworthy of love.

I think a major reason this was the best time of my life was that it was the last time I experienced life without crippling mental illness. This was a window of time in my life when I was free from responsibilities, free from my parents, and free from depression. I was surrounded by friends all the time. Someone was always crushing on me. I was learning about things in school that were interesting to me. It’s the only time in my life I remember being carefree and spontaneous. Making bad decisions was perfectly acceptable, if not encouraged. I rode down stairs in cardboard boxes, I jumped off roofs into the snow, I went to raves in Montreal, I played in-house slip-n-slide in a toga, I kissed a lot of boys, I went to a lot of concerts, I often committed petty crimes that I never got caught for. I wasn’t really a good person at this time. I hazed people, participated in rape culture, and slept with people’s boyfriend's. All I can say is that I’ve grown from that silly girl. But, I needed to be her. I needed to learn from her. It gives me perspective on how I want my own daughter to be different from her, and how I can teach her to be. But even though that girl was a little out of control and shady, she was just a person who took different avenues to get to the ultimate goal: being loved.