Valued
I really feel like I have no value in today’s society. The things that I’m good at are deemed useless. My values are considered to be out of alignment. My life experience is worthless. I’m put down a lot by people.
See, I’m not good at making money. I’ve never had a lot, I’ve never wanted a lot, I don’t understand how we use it to assign value to things. To assign value to people. I’m considered (and reminded often) lazy, a mooch, delusional, entitled. A failure. I thrive at being a caregiver, understanding others, and being an advocate (all skills I use in my most important role of being a mom) all garbage virtues by today’s standards.
I don’t actually feel this to true. I think people appreciate these characteristics in others, but society as a whole doesn’t.
When people talk about me and all of the horrific things I’ve been through it’s always, “well, she’s struggling because she’s having a hard time going back to work “ because that is the only measure of success. It’s never, “She is really healing. She’s still keeping love in her heart. She’s felt so much pain, and she’s hoping that she can use it to soften the pain in others. She can still see the light behind the eyes of the darkest people. She can hear the people who can’t talk.” No body brags about me because I’ve never been able to have a stellar career. (Not to mention all of the professional jobs I take are super intense, working with the most challenging situations. It’s rewarding and soul crushing and quite frankly, I just get burnt out). Everyone preaches how people have been through so much should rest. How it’s no surprise we struggle working. That we need to take care of ourselves. Yet, as a society we actually say things like, “are we just supposed to work around them?”, “they have 2 legs, they can work “, or “they just don’t want to work “. You’re right, it’s been sooooooo amazing suffering trauma at every stage of my life. It’s been so awesome having my son die so I could catch a break in hours.
Right now I’m having a really hard time at work-like most mothers do after a brand new baby. So, triple that feeling, because leaving your baby after you’ve lost one is the most disgusting, unnatural feelings to exist. So this time I feel repulsed about it. I’m actively participating in something I believe is wrong. I’m doing something that hurts her little brain, when I spent so much effort trying to help Ian’s. We all know it’s not ideal for mothers to be away from their babies. (Here’s a couple articles so you can get the gist of it;
Lifelong Neurobiological implications :
Newborn stress:
https://www.babymed.com/news/separating-mother-baby-after-birth-causes-stress#
How humans are considered “Carry Mammals “
https://kathrynstaggibclc.com/tag/carry-mammals/
https://milkitivity.com/we-are-carrying-mammals-living-in-a-nesting-mammals-world/
And, like we all know, it just feels fucking awful. This is in no way an attack or judgment on moms working. I’m literally doing it right now. You have to make the best decision you can, when all of your options suck, We are being forced to choose between providing food and shelter, or damaging their brains and physical health. I didn’t see it as clearly before I lost Ian. I just saw it as a necessary evil. But it’s so much more. As parents, we all want more for our children than what we had. I didn’t grow up with a foundation of safety and love, so that’s what I want for my children. And, a foundation starts at the bottom (so, as a baby). I have made so many destructive, painful choices in the name of looking for that love and safety. Ultimately, in different ways, choices that have been life threatening (and yes, depression, PTSD, and addiction are all life threatening). Do I really want my children to live like that, where they feel they have to make choices based on earning peoples love, instead of just inherently knowing they are loved and can just make choices actually based on what’s best for them?
How do we change this? If mothers refuse to accept bullshit parental leave policies, we could topple the whole system in 2 days. But in those 2 days, some will get evicted, go hungry, or lack medical care. Daycare’s could refuse to take children under a year old. But they make a business by mothers being separated from their children. Pediatricians (who ALL actually agree that it’s beneficial for kids to be with their parents longer) could stop signing the paperwork that says they are clear for daycare at 6. Weeks. Old. But that policy was created because at 6 weeks a mothers body is considered physically healed enough to perform manual labor again- it has no regard for the health and development of a child. I guess this is just my opinion though-maybe others think this is all great.
But, since my skills and strengths aren’t really valued in our society, neither is my opinion. It doesn’t matter that I’ve read everything I can to better understand the human experience. It doesn’t matter that I’ve lived through more life lessons (that range from utterly soul demolishing to utterly blissful). It doesn’t matter that I’ve been through so many facets of motherhood that I might know a few things. I’m too insignificant (ie:not profit creating) to make any real changes to the world, changes that directly benefit my family. There are some decisions I need to make regarding the lives I want for my children, and even though what’s best for them (and our whole family)is very clear to me, I can’t make it happen. I need to accept defeat and it breaks my heart.