Vision quest

In 2016 I moved from New York to Florida. I had had enough of myself, my post-partum depression, and my drinking. I was disconnected from my family, I hated my career, and wanted to see if a change of scenery could change my life. I had no idea…

At that point in my life I was basically a bag of bones-no substance, no spirit. I’d followed the program-pretty high school honor student, outgoing sorority girl in school to be a teacher (of course)-eventually graduating Magna Cum Lauda, marriage first-kids second. Obtained the desk job with health insurance. But the only way I could handle the path of least resistance was to be completely medicated-either by a doctor or liquor store clerk. I was bored. I felt useless. I was parenting according to the books. Everything I was doing was just to check the boxes of what it meant to be a good member of society. I was in a constant state of anxiety and suicidal ideation for over a decade.

I was going against my instincts for what I was supposed to be in this world.

The light of the sun drew me south and immediately illuminated the fact that problems go wherever you do. In 7 years I had to address any problem I had avoided. I’ve had to come to understand so many of the problems ALL of us face. And it came to me in the worst ways imaginable, and it came so fast. And while I healed have so much, I still have lingering nervous system problems. All things I dealt with as a child and young adult re-presented it when I was grown enough to deal with it alone:

-Grief (Ambiguous grief-my sons drowning and brain injury. The harshest grief-the return of my son to the universe. Typical grief-the loss of 3 grandparents in a year)

-Addiction (Personal-releasing myself from its binds. Familial-A lifetime of parental, a marriage in turmoil, homelessness, secondary guardianship of family members)

-Abuse (Alcoholic abuse, Extreme Narcissistic abuse, SELF abuse, Child abuse. Some were presented personally, some professionally)

-Parenting (learning to not be authoritative, working through my childhood, understanding the true meaning of sacrifice, pregnancy, pregnancy loss)

-Financial (money isn’t anything-there’s no real way to explain it. People will ruin you over it. You will ruin your own life over it.)

-Body image (While I wasn't an “active” bulimic anymore, I had to dissolve the issue still. Understanding what a strong suit of armor this body is and what magic it really holds. What it really means to carry another life)

-Sexual assualt (another not current issue, but has propelled me into a strong feminine Era, realizing the true implications of a patriarchal society)

-Parental alienation (I “lost” my father and step-father and in-law relationships)

-A few sensitive scenarios that involve kids, that I won’t discuss

-Mental Illness (everything we've been lead to believe about it isn't real. Our feelings and actions are, but it's weaponized)

-Involvement in (and busting open of) problematic systems (education, non-profits, mental health/rehab, medical care/insurance)

-Disability (My son's, my students, my own. To exist in a society that can't use you for capital gain is excruciating.)

*MY CHILDREN * I have my 4 darlings and 2 amazing nephew-sons. Every issue I was facing above, they were facing AS CHILDREN. I needed to wrap these problems up for them. Especially when I realized I needed to re-raise myself. Wise teachers come in the form of children. Children are my guides because I tend to resist authority. When I started looking to them for answers instead of the harsh generation before me, things made more sense.

The intensity and swiftness of all of these impactful traumas really made me feel like I was sent on a mission from the good lord himself. He pulled a Job on me and took everything from me I knew to be true and real-the material goods, coping mechanims, my looks, money, relationships, status, my house in the good district, my education, MY CHILD. Anything I built in the urge to create “stability”. Literally, everything but myself.

Myself. That’s what I found in the vision. I withstood the test. When I want to look for guidance on how to walk through a fire, I need to look no further than a mirror-which is a reflection of the creator. True stability only lives within. Love for yourself can only come from within. Stability is truly an internal mind/heart consensus and faith in yourself-nothing you can tangibly create.

And that's when I had the MIND BLOWING realization-I've loved myself along.

The treatment we give to others is just a subconscious projection about how we feel about ourselves. I always thought I hated myself because of the thoughts that ran through my brain were so negative. The thoughts and words of others I was claiming as my own and etching them in my psyche. But, I must've subconsciously known my value, because I’ve always subconsciously been projecting warmth, authenticity, and strength. Ive treated others with fairness, kindness, and lack of judgment. Because THAT is what I truly felt I deserved all along. What a life altering switch in perspective.

And with that perspective switch I feel like Dorothy going back to Kansas, “You've always had the power my dear. You just had to learn it for yourself”. And like Dorothy leaving the beauty of Oz for dismal Kansas, I'm exiting my tropical training camp and going back to real-world Rochester. Afterall, there's no place like home 🫠❄️☃️