A different kind
On Easter Sunday, my maternal grandfather died at 92. I lost 3 of my 4 grandparents in 1 year, all made it to 90 and the last might make it to 100.
Things felt very backwards. It’s strange enough that I made it to my 40s with all of my grandparents, and even stranger my son left here first.
My brain felt so swirly during the service. I wasn't able to attend one grandmother's memorial and the other didn't have one. (I definitely feel lacking in not being able to participate in those rituals) I'm immensely sad, as we are when we lose our loved ones-my grandfather filled in as a father to me my whole life. I’m happy for him that he is moving on to a better phase of existence, and respect and honor the dedication he put into his life to earn his peace.
I don't know how I’m supposed to grieve others. Nothing will ever hit me as hard as losing my son. I lost one of my favorite people and 1/2 of me felt like “meh, it’s nothing, old people die” and the other half of me was intensely reminded that one of the rare people who actually honored and loved my spirit, is no longer able to tangibally give my heart the reassurance it needs that the world is better because I'm in it.
Part of me felt like these deaths of my grandparents doesn't get to matter. We all lose grandparents. Everyone has used their sympathy on me. To the point where I haven't acknowledged any of these losses publicly. I absolutely cannot absorb another shallow, “I'm so sorry for your loss”. It's so strange that we all have the consensus that even timely losses break our hearts, yet we all behave like we aren't supposed to care. It’s more acceptable to get blackout drunk for 6 months than to take 2 weeks off of work.
My mind is always searching for clarity on existence. The life and the death. The light and the dark. The joy and the pain. And a lot of that was brought to the forefront yesterday, especially since there was a masonic service after, as he was a prominent local Mason. And regardless of your opinions on of this controversial organization, they understand and utilize the concept of balance of the dark/light, the yin/yang. He was widely revered as a great man-and in order to possess that kind of light you have to possess equal amounts of dark-all great people are committed to a path of personal or ancestral redemption and its fascinating to ponder that when you see someone who carries radiance.
And something I noticed that seems to be lacking in our culture is the rite of passage for upcoming generations when their elder passes. My grandfather was a positive representation of a patriarch. And while I was observing our family, I looked as we all quietly absorbed our new roles in his absence. We are all different, yet it felt as though we were all curated by him to go out into the world as leaders in our respective rights- some in our softness, some in our intelligence, some in our grit, some in our perseverance, some in our service of others, and all possessing a righteous stubbornness. But there was no formal passing on of these responsibilities. And it somehow feels like in leaving that out, we leave room for the ability to cop-out of our duites as the next generation of people who lead their communities. I hope we will all find ways to do it in our own regards.
So obviously this was a different kind of grief and a different kind of sadness. My son’s loss was destructive and my grandfather's reinforces that I can't quit-I now have to provide the human stability for my family that he gave to all of us ❤️
Beverly Eaton Rathbun 3/16/2023
Kathleen Foy Rafferty 11/8/2023
Gary Orvis Rathbun 3/31/2024