baby blues

A lot of people dream of becoming a mother. I wasn’t one of those people. I loved children, but being a parent scared me. And, I was worried that I wasn’t a good enough person to be a mother, that I was too screwed up. What if the child’s father was horrible like mine. What if my kids ever felt as bad as I did, and I couldn’t fix it. I just didn’t think I should reproduce and run the risk of poor children having a horrible life. Plus, the added probability of poor mental health genetics. And honestly, parts of me are too screwed up to be a mother, but that’s why I’ve changed as a person.

I found out I was pregnant with Emmy in July 2009, 3 months after we got married. We just got married-I wasn’t ready! I bawled my eyes out when I found out. Suddenly all of my fears of becoming a parent were right in front of my eyes and I was terrified. But, I had a healthy pregnancy ( I was pretty miserable still-I turn into a monster when I’m pregnant), a fast labor, and a perfect baby girl. She was an excellent baby-slept great, ate great, liked people. But, I wasn’t adjusting well. Overnight, there were all these extra, high-pressure, responsibilities. I had to make all my decisions based on being a mother. But, as soon as that baby popped out, I started drinking again. I could still be the cool mom. And then the post-partum came. Obviously, the hormones are the root of the problem, but heavy drinking makes things get really out of control. I was clearly depressed, but I didn’t do anything about it until I had intrusive thoughts that I was going to throw the baby against the wall. I immediately called my mom to come over, because even though I knew I wasn’t capable of hurting my child, I was still scared I could. I went to therapy, and got on medication for the first time. Here’s where the problem lies: I only went to therapy for a few months (until the therapist deemed I was out of crisis), and I didn’t give up drinking yet. I figured once I got out of crisis I was going to be ok.

Spoiler Alert: I wasn’t! I should have made the realization that I wasn’t cured, because in this time in therapy, I never dealt with any of my past issues, and I didn’t make the connection with drinking. After this time I would have probably considered an alcoholic, but I was a functioning one. I just considered myself a heavy drinker, because drinking didn’t effect my day to day life yet. But that all changed after I had Ian, 5 years later. The post-partum was worse this time, and just my general attitude towards life was horrible. I thought about suicide at this time, but nothing came to a head until the day I had a knife to my wrists. I was having intrusive thoughts again (that I would squish him between the mattress and the box spring), and I would rather die than hurt my baby, so it seemed like a logical solution. This is the first time I went to the hospital. It was bizarre. They had the wing separated by a cafeteria, and one wing was the “calm” wing (for the boring crazies who just wanted to kill themselves) and people who were having more severe psychotic symptoms. We all ate together and it was like watching a reality tv show. I don’t want to tell stories about people I came across, because I just don’t feel like talking about people when they were in the worst time in their lives. They kept me there for almost 2 weeks until I was out of crisis, then I got sent on my merry way, as completely fucked up as I was when I went in.

I didn’t recover from that second bout of post-partum for over a year. I didn’t continue seeing a therapist and the drinking just got worse. This is when I became an un-functioning alcoholic. I had a severe chemical imbalance that I never let get back in check because I was drinking so much. After becoming a parent is really when my anxiety started too. A lot of people can relate to that, the added pressure of becoming a parent is immense. If you have the predisposition, that drink that calms your anxiety can turn into a permanent hangover. The post-partum and anxiety is when I began to self-medicate unknowingly. Luckily for me, I was able to save myself before I was too far gone.

For whatever reason, I didn’t think I was going through post-partum until I got the intrusive thoughts. If I would have paid attention, I would have seen the signs. Little interest or pleasure in doing things, heightened anxiety, poor sleep. I just thought it was being a new parent. I’m also thankful that regardless of my mental illness, I am self-aware enough to know when something isn’t right and I’m in crisis-that it’s time to ask for help before I do anything to harm myself or anyone else. However, I was in denial of having a long-lasting mental illness. And not so much denial, but I thought that I could outsmart it. I thought, if I’m rational enough I can stop my brain from functioning the way it does. If I drink enough, I can quiet it down. But, that’s not how mental health works. And, a lot of people think post-partum is just the baby blues, but it can be a severe mental health issue. I’m a loving, caring mother, and I take good care of my kids-there is nothing in my personality or my beliefs that would cause me to have thoughts of harming my children. Even when I had them, I was so scared that I could even think that way, that I called for help. I knew the thoughts weren’t real, but I couldn’t stop them.

And after I finally quit drinking, continued with seeing a therapist, and taking medication, I became the mom that I was putting pressure on myself to be. I was so defeated that I wasn’t the perfect mom, that I drank to make myself feel better, then felt bad again for being a shitty mom. Now, I don’t put the pressure on myself and just strive to take care of myself and my family the best I can. Lo and behold, I didn’t have post-partum with the third baby (this was also the only child I nursed, which I know helps with hormone regulation). But, I know the not drinking helped too. I don’t think many people realize how truly damaging alcohol can be on your mental health. I had many factors that I feel contributed to me having post-partum (genetics, alcohol, and hormone imbalance; most likely worse because I didn’t breastfeed the first 2 kids) which could be why it happens to some people and not others. Post-partum doesn’t make you a bad mom, but I can promise if you don’t take care of it, it could turn into a much bigger problem, like addiction. And then you become a bad parent. Thankfully, I really had only about a year of being a terrible parent, but I needed help to get better, Here are the symptoms and treatments for Post-Partum Depression and if you or a loved one is suffering from these symptoms, please contact SAMHSA (substance abuse and mental health services administration) Help-line at 1 (800) 662-HELP for immediate assistance if you are having a crisis and are thinking you could harm yourself or your child. Getting help when you need it only makes you a better parent, so never feel ashamed. I promise, it does get better!