Self destruct
Everyone likes to be mad at addicts for being selfish pricks who fuck up every one’s life around them. It’s true, that’s what we do. We do it because the pain inside is SO bad, that it is actually worth it to us to fuck things up around us. The void is deep and we need to fill it, regardless of the harm it causes.
So, if a person harms their childrens well being in order to fill a void in their life with an external entity their a filthy addict. Right?
This pain could be caused by abuse, oppression, illness. Neglect and lack of affection (as a child) tend to be a big factor in becoming an addict. People try to fix these things with a substance.
People love to say, “I would never choose that over my kids”. Addiction definitely harms children.
Somehow, the self-destruction is keeping them alive longer. They know it will eventually lead to a death paved by suffering. They aren’t actually trying to kill Themselves, but something inside of them. Addiction serves the purpose of killing that pain every day, and hoping you live through that day. It’s actually self-preservation overshadowed by self destruction. What addiction feels like is being on fire. Whatever negative emotions you have are stored in your body as hot kindling that often bursts into flames and the drug of choice is like water that can put out the fire, but never the kindling. And, if you want to quit, not only are you going to have to just stay on fire for a little bit, but your going to be sick too-so it’s also like your getting stabbed in the eyeballs for a few days too. So when you think, why can’t they just stop? Because for the initial week alone, a person has to commit to being on fire and being stabbed in the eyeballs. Would you willing do that? But to really get better, you have to extinguish the kindling so there aren’t anymore flames.
In my opinion, observation, and personal experience, a person will only get better is when the pain of their addiction becomes worse than the pain they are trying to conceal. For me, I was always trying to kill the self-hatred and general unworthiness of love and life. But then, I BECAME a person that can cause another person to feel that way (I was the harmful parent). For me, that was actually more painful. Turning into the perpetrator of harm was actually the worst fate I could imagine. But, everyone has a different reason for hitting a wall.
I’m done saying I’m an addict. The “once an addict, always an addict”, is some type of bullshit rhetoric created to keep people down. I’ve NEVER been a proponent of any 12 step program (yet, different things work for different people, so I won’t say it doesn’t work). I just don’t see how going into a room with everyone complaining about their miserable lives, and me saying that I’m just carrying around this life destroying disease in my pocket is going to make me heal. If I keep reiterating I’m a bad addict, I’ll continue to be one-just a dry one. You have to cure the trauma that causes the symptoms, and saying YOU’RE an awful problem just continues to feed the self-worthlessness that got us there in the first place. I had a bad period in my life and now I’m supposed to use it as a permanent adjective to describe myself? That’s weird.
Next time you see the homeless addict, see me. See child abuse. See rape. See Ian’s accident and death. See a person who who’s pain is so heavy, that the pain they’re creating truly feels like a better option.
Do I consider myself an addict? Nope. I went through a hard time, created by a hard time and I’ve healed that part of me.
And a VERY important note about moral judgment-If at ANY point in time you are willing to have ONE drink, you drop any inkling you have of moral superiority over a drug addict or alcoholic. Is there a difference between having cocktails on vacation and being a full blown addict robbing your kids piggy bank? Absolutely. But, one drink is literally committing to doing a drug, while fully knowing the possible negative outcomes, and doing it anyway. So if you’re lucky enough to not have the underlying trauma that turns that beer into a 72 hour behavioral health stay, just be grateful, because superior you are not.