you’re the best
It’s been awhile since I’ve written, I was In NY for my grandfather’s 90th birthday. I can’t believe I actually got on a plane, alone, with 2 kids, and left my house, It was a really big step for me to do that. It wasn’t an easy trip, because my anxiety is still horrible, but I did the best I could. For me, that meant actually getting in the car, going to a party, talking to relatives, and being present. What did I want to do? Lay in bed and watch TV and have my mom make me food. What did I also want to do? Visit a few more friends and family, and actually do something fun (like the zoo or even going to a restaurant), but I just couldn’t do it. So, I did my best. And this time my best was just being able to interact with people and not withdrawing.
Everyday, I try to do my best. Sometimes, my best sucks. At one point in my life, when things were really bad, (like really, really bad) my best was just not committing suicide that day. That’s it-that’s the best I could do. I couldn’t stop drinking, I couldn’t take care of my kids, I couldn’t work…I wasn’t capable at that moment. The best I was capable of was just not killing myself. Other times my best is awesome! I can cook an entire Thanksgiving dinner, I can blow up 100 balloons to put in the kids bedrooms on their birthdays, I can take my 3 children (including a severely disabled son) on a camping trip and have a good time, I made a lot of progress with a student. I love when my best is great, but usually it’s just mediocre.
Being the best mother is always my goal. And I’ve figured out that just means being myself. On the days that I have to lay in bed, sick from depression, I have to ask for help to take care of my kids-and that’s the best thing I can do. A lot of days, it’s just going through the motions of keeping them safe and healthy-school, appointments, activities, medical routines; and our best is getting everything done. Some days it’s taking them to theme parks, throwing stellar birthday parties, and advocating for your disabled son; our best amazes even ourselves, surprising us that we can do so much for our children. And even on the days that I am paralyzed by grief, just breathing is all I can do. So even on the bad, horrible days, I’m the best mother for my children. They want me. And on the day when the best I could do was not kill myself, I gave myself an opportunity to do better the next day. As long as you’re trying, whatever that may look like, that’s what matters. And if you love your kids on your bad days, that’s what matters. If you made a mistake, acknowledge and learn from it, that’s what matters. So keep doing your best, you’re doing great.