The boss
During my last labor, I was at the point I was about to go into shock from the pain. Feeling like there’s no way I’m going to live through this experience. The nurse practically yelled at me (she HAD to get my attention) and said very sternly, “you’re the boss right now. You’re the only one in control of this situation. You’re the only one who’s can finish this”. I breathed, got focused, screamed like I was being murdered, and got that baby out within 2 minutes.
And after the dizzying experience of labor and delivery died down, those words still stuck.
I trusted my body to know what to do. Maybe it IS because I didn’t listen to anyone else. With Ian, there wasn’t anyone to listen to, I was home. I HAD to trust myself. All of my children’s births were very solitary. I wanted it that way, but at the same time it makes me sad. My husband was only there with me through Emmy and Ian’s stay. When John was born, he had to be with Ian and when Cecilia was born he was with her in the NICU. No one helped me to the shower. No back rubs. My last baby, I cleaned my own blood off the floor, I never got food because there were problems in the kitchen, and they never even gave me medication. Mother’s just get forgotten about in our culture.
Every labor, when I said, “the baby is coming “ every medical professional said, “oh it can’t be yet”. No body listened to me. And I was right every time (obviously).
Physically, I had very easy labor and delivery every time. Biologically, my body was made to reproduce. Got pregnant easily, no health problems (that weren’t stress related) for me or baby, no labor complications, no nursing problems (please don’t hate me). I’ve also had babies who sleep and eat wonderfully, with pretty chill dispositions (please, please don’t double hate me). While most of this is purely biological, I have to give myself some credit.
It’s not that I have some kind of labor “talent”, or infant care “talent”, I just listened to myself and my babies. When my doctor said to take/not take certain medications or to do/not do certain things during pregnancy, I did what I thought was right. When I was in labor, I just listened to my body and the signals the baby was sending me. I listen to the baby and feel their bodies and respond to the best of my ability.
The thing is, we are ALL equipped with this ability. We are just so bombarded with how to do things the “right “ way, that we don’t listen to ourselves. Think about it-how, how, could a male OB tell me more about my body during my 4th labor and delivery? Or when older people say, “I’ve raised 3 kids, this is how you should do it”. Yeah, well, I’m on #4, one of them was disabled, you haven’t raised these kids, and oh yeah-your adult child is an asshole. All of the products. All of the diagnoses. Everything that’s “wrong” with you and your baby-and all the ways to “fix” it. Just listen. Listen to yourself. Listen to your baby. You’ll know if something isn’t right. You’re the expert.
My body. My babies. I’m the boss here.