wanna try some?

I’ve tried so. many. things. when trying to improve my mental health. I (like most people) didn’t really grasp that I had mental health issues for a long time. So, I did what most people do-I unknowingly started self-medicating. It was an easy transition from partying into self-medicating. Going out and drinking was always fun, it put me in a good mood, a mood where I wasn’t anxious and felt confident in myself. So, when the days started getting darker, I already knew what would make me feel better. And the party drugs made me feel even better! For years I was a pretty a heavy drinker, but maintaining. It wasn’t until after Emmy was born that it started to dawn on me that things might be getting a little out of control. But, all my friends were like me-Mom’s night out! Bring the wine! We all felt we deserved it. For awhile it all balanced out. After Emmy was born, I did start doing therapy for the post-partum depression and taking medication, so I finally started realizing that I had to get things under control, but I didn’t. I went on like that for years. After my husband got into some trouble, (it was the straw that broke the camel’s back) things got worse and I was getting depression. But, I had the solution! We should have another baby! (FYI-that doesn’t work) I had a rocky pregnancy (as far as my mental health) and a stressful delivery. After Ian was born, I had the worst depression of my life. I was drinking all the time, and eventually the feelings that I could hurt him were too strong. I was so scared, that I decided to go to the hospital. It was a legit ward in a regular hospital. It sucked. There was no getting better there, just getting out of crisis. After almost 2 weeks I got to go home, full of medications and still only a diagnosis of post-partum depression. I still knew what medication made me feel the best (and worst) booze. This is when the addiction came in. It was seamless how it happened, started with worse anxiety (had to drink more), then finally the sickness started kicking in, and there I was-dependent on alcohol. Fuck. After a little over a year of being addicted, I finally went to rehab and got a true diagnosis. With a real diagnosis I could finally start getting better. I have never met an addict that doesn’t have a co-current condition. I feel like substance use is a symptom of a bigger problem. Finally, rehab helped. I started on the right medications that kept me stable, until Ian’s accident. However, I don’t beat myself up for relapsing after Ian got hurt. I had a full mental breakdown and fell apart-it was my reaction to a severe trauma, I was a disaster for a few months (I literally went to a crisis unit like 6 times during this period for suicide watch) but luckily it didn’t last too long and I picked myself up and have been stable since. I also don’t feel like me going to a residential facility after Ian died was something I need to feel bad about because I needed more support after the mother of all traumas happened, I’m human. I’ve also been going to therapy this whole time. Ready for the list of medications I’ve tried?

Zoloft, Prozac, Trazadone, Prazosin, Naltrexone, Gabapentin, Latuda, Effexor, Buspar, Risperdone, Abilify, Mirtazapine, Klonopin, Lexapro, Seroquel, medical marijuana (I think that’s all of them!) (BTW-I don’t take them all now, just ones I’ve tried). Here’s the thing with medications (and I am NOT a doctor-please speak with your physicians of you have any questions regarding medications) there are so many different cocktails that work differently for different people, so a lot of times you strike out before you find what works. It can be frustrating. And the other thing, if you have a serious case of depression, you can’t expect medication to work on its own. There’s no magic pill. You either need to go to therapy, church, groups-wherever you go, to get support.

Right now I’m trying TMS (trans-magnetic stimulation) where you go every day and get pulses to your brain that stimulate the production of dopamine and serotonin. I’m pretty resistant to most medications, and this seems to be helping. It actually started working after like 3 sessions, so I’m really excited that I might go into remission from depression. With the advice of my doctor, I’m going to be going off a bunch of medications once I’ve completed treatment. Also, I’m pretty sure medical marijuana is saving my life. When your child dies, a lot of people are prescribed Xanax, and that shit is no joke. Because of my PTSD, I have flashbacks, pretty much all day, and I am able to cope and not have the physiological response that would take me to my knees. So, the TMS and MJ are really keeping me ok during a time in my life where it’s hard to breathe.

If you don’t have mental health issues before your child dies, you definitely will after. I call it the “Final Boss” of traumas-the worst of the worst. It’s so bad that we would go through other traumas to prevent it (like, I would let you torture me if it meant my child survives). In all honestly, I almost feel better prepared for this than my husband. I’ve withstood trauma so many times that I have really good coping skills and a good outlook. Regardless of my positive mindset, the chemical imbalance is still real, and I treat it with medication and alternative therapies. And, talk therapy is a must for me. So, keep trying for what works for you. But I do know one thing, what is going to work isn’t at the end of a bottle.

If your interested in becoming Alcohol Free Forever, but aren’t ready to go to rehab, this is an at home program that could help you to become successful. AA doesn’t work for everyone, (including me), and this is an alternative approach if you realize things have gotten out of hand, but aren’t (and don’t want to be) at rock-bottom.