zap!

So, I had my 28th appointment at Greenbrook TMS to treat my major depressive disorder and anxiety. Well, in doing my depression scales (you know, those little worksheets you fill out where you circle numbers) and I went from a 16 to a 3, which is considered full remission from depression. WOW!!! And, considering the circumstances, I feel amazing. The fact that I am consumed by grief has not changed-the sadness is still there. But, the hopelessness that comes with depression, is gone. For the past 20 years I have lived with constant passing thoughts of suicide. At times, active thoughts of suicide. I have literally felt my whole adult life, that the world would be better off without me. However, I was rational enough to know that was not true, that I was loved and needed. But, mental illness obviously doesn’t care about your logical thinking. But right now, I don’t believe that to be true. I know I matter, that I’m important, that I’m a good mom. That is what this treatment has given me. I didn’t know what it would feel like to not have depression, because it was my baseline that I fought against for so many years. But, now I know what it feels like-it feels like not wanting to die. I don’t know if that’s what people realize severe depression is. That people can function, work, and laugh all while quietly hoping that they could just vanish and make everyone’s life better. I also don’t think that many people realize that when you think of suicide, you are actually thinking that you are helping your family and friends. People say it’s selfish, but you truly believe that you would be giving your family and friends a gift by releasing them of your burden. Even though Ian just died, and I yearn to be with him, I now feel like I have a purpose in life, that I’m important to my kids, that people would miss me. Do you know how empowering it feels to not carry that around anymore. As you know, I’ve taken many medications, and nothing has relieved me of this manifestation. I’ve been cooking, going outside, staying awake all day-all things that are almost impossible in my situation. I actually feel human, in this dumpster fire that is my life.

I still have some of the anxiety, and the PTSD is really what’s interrupting my life at the moment and still making it hard to do things. I’m still uncomfortable having to participate in a lot of activities. I don’t feel like other people being uncomfortable around me (I’ve just learned to accept that’s just the way it is). I can’t bring myself to even answer the question, “How are you doing?” But, I do think I’m doing as good as possible. I don’t want to die. I’m not a doctor, nor a spokesperson for this company, but if you had tried 4 or more medications and still feel depressed, it might be a good option. You do have to make a commitment of going every day for about a 1/2 hour for a little over a month, and it is covered by most insurances if you meet the criteria. But truly, it has probably saved my life.