today
Today I feel terrible. I have felt terrible for days. I’ve been sucked down into my normal thinking.
This is all YOUR fault. The world would be better if you were never born. You definitely shouldn’t of had kids-you’re a lazy, useless piece of garbage who can’t provide for them. Everything that led to Ian’s accident were directly because of things you did or didn’t do.You can’t meet anyones standards. You are not interesting, special or important. In fact, you’re quite stupid to think anything about you is remarkable in anyway. You are definitely insane. You look old. How’s it feel to be old and ugly? You’ve already burdened everyone you know, no one wants to help you anymore. You talk too much, be quiet, you’re annoying. You’re only beneficial to others, if you’re happy and do what they say. You’re a washed up, unemployed addict (once an addict always an addict). People think you’re a snob. You’re weak in so many capacities, you will NEVER actually be a functioning person. You should be utterly ashamed of yourself for your past choices, you’re disgusting.You never should have taught, you probably caused irreversible damage .As soon as you say you have a son that died, everyone becomes sad, you drain the mood of every room your in. FAILURE. UGLY.ANNOYING. STUPID. WORTHLESS. SHAMEFUL. I could literally keep going…
I had to put all of these things in front of my eyes to read it back to myself. That’s absolutely heartbreaking. I’m sitting here bawling thinking, why do I think these things? My toddler wakes up, covered in piss and snot, interrupting whatever I’m doing, and says with the utmost confidence, “I’m here! I’m awake! I’m coming!” feeling that whoever he sees will be so elated to be graced with his presence. Where did that go for me? Why, even on good days, do I think no one would ever seek out my presence? If your forced to work with someone, I can see how I could be a better choice, but to actually decide that your time would be best spent in my company-I can’t grasp that.
Who took that from me? Lots of people, lots of times, in different ways. The media tells me 1000x a day. I’ve realized any time you spew anything awful out of your mouth, it doesn’t dissipate into the air, it lands on the ears of the people around you who haven’t been protected by the love of their parents.
Damn, do you know how many people that is. I’m so sorry if I’ve ever released the words that make anyone feel the way I do today. I KNOW these things aren’t true, and truly I’m OK. But these are the things I have to fight through to be able to write something inspiring.
There’s your behind the scenes of my thought process. I already feel better just getting it out.