12 Stages of grief, and the grief process for child loss
Those of us that have lost a child (Ian’s mom, forever 5 💚), are often found scouring the internet for ways to handle our specific grief process. We have all heard of the 5 stages of grief model. 1.denial stage 2. Anger stage 3.bargaining stage 4. Depression 5. Acceptance/final stage. While I can see how these might be applicable to general grief (when I say general grief, I mean “typical”-the death of an elderly grandparent or pet, the loss of a job, loss of health etc), they don’t seem to touch on what happens with abrupt, life shattering, and unnatural loss.
What should be reflected more is that grief is a process. A process that will never truly be completed, just experienced. I have come to realize that the 12 stages of the grieving process tend to cover the broader experience of grief, but I would like to relate it specifically to the grief process for child loss
12 Stages of Grief
Healing takes place over time.
Correct. And time doesn’t correlate to where you are in the grieving process. It will be for your entire life. And you won’t “heal” per se, the wound won’t be gone. It’s like a chronic illness-some days there are “flare ups” of unresolved grief.
And healing is different for everyone. Emotions and feelings are dependent on who you are as a person, the manner in your child’s death, and your own mental health. Healing can feel overwhelming, so it’s important to remember that going through the stages of a loved one passing takes time.
Grief is universal, yet distinctive
When it’s said that grief is universal, it means regardless of what you’re grieving, you’re sad. Child loss is much more distinctive. We are all: sad, pissed, empty, demolished, obliterated, lonely, shocked. The distinction is that it’s unnatural for us. And when death is unnatural, it’s often from a very traumatic incident-car accident, murder, drowning etc. The distinction between the shocking death of a child and the slow passing of an elderly person is extremely vast. People involved in both grief process are sad, yet there is no comparison.
Shock is the prelude to the grief process
It is utterly unbelievable when your child dies-I’m pretty sure I will stay in the “denial phase” for my entire life. Shock is an understatement. Sitting in a funeral home and making arrangements is a shock. I just stop, look around, and I’m in complete disbelief that this is my life now. There are moments of shock every day. When this happens, you have to reset and go through the grief process again,
Grief can cause depression
(Also known as stage 4, depression) Edit that-grief with child loss WILL cause depression. You won’t want to eat, work, breathe. You might need medication to help cope or sleep. You might need to go for an inpatient stay. You will probably see a mental health professional. It would be more of a cause for concern if you didn’t experience depression.
Grief can cause health problems
Mental health problems aside, physical health can suffer as well. There are many reasons this can happen. Not eating or sleeping right and increased substance abuse lead to obvious health problems within the body. They also cause decreased immunity, so you are more likely to catch contagious diseases as well. When under a lot of stress, the hormone cortisol is released into the body that can lead to inflammation related diseases (arthritis, psoriasis, MS etc).
You might panic
You will panic. You will panic when you wake up and realize they aren’t there. You will panic when you’re surviving children or late or have a cold. You will probably have PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder), which will cause you to panic every time something triggers the memory of your trauma. You will learn to regain control.
There is a very solid chance you will be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.
Grief can cause guilt
Again, you will have guilt. Even if you had nothing to do with their death. I should have been home, I should have raised them better, I shouldn’t of let them do that. The story will always replay. This is often concurrent with the bargaining stage. “I’ll never drink again if you bring them back” or “I’ll start going to church if you bring them back”. Attempting to find ways to absolve the guilt.
Grief can cause anger
Again, child loss will cause anger. Especially if someone else is responsible. And if no one is responsible directly, you will create someone and be angry at them. And when you’re done being angry at them, you’ll be angry at a higher power. Of course you’re angry, the most precious thing in existence is gone. Be careful not to let anger turn to vengeance.
It can be difficult to go through the anger stages in a healthy way. We often lash out at the people we love. I have found it helpful to be proactive in talking with those around you that you are grieving and have a lot of anger and to not take things to heart.
Grief causes intense emotions
Going through the 12 stages of grief will cause intense emotions. In the beginning, it’s only the awful ones. Once you can get bearings on your life, you stop taking things for granted. Your joy can be more intense, because you never thought you’d feel it again. But when you’re sad your sad because you can’t go to a concert you’re more sad because you can’t go to a concert AND your kid died.
Grief causes a lack of direction and purpose
When your child dies, your life stops. Mainly, your direction and purpose as a parent of that child stops. You were going in a direction where they had a future. Your purpose was to take care of them and watch them grow. I was a special Ed kindergarten teacher. My son was a disabled kindergartener when he died. I can’t continue with that purpose.
Hope brings healing
Hope is the only thing that can facilitate healing. You have hope today will be easier than yesterday, or you won’t get out of bed. You have to hope that whatever came next for your child is better than what they experienced in this life. You can’t heal without hope.
Acceptance means that your loss has changed you, but you have not been defeated by it.
I don’t feel that there is any true acceptance in child loss. There is no final stage. But, once you accept that life, as you once knew it, will never be regained, it might be a start. Accept that every relationship you had will have a new dynamic. Accept that your life is divided into a before and after. Accept that you will be seeing the world through a whole new lens. Accept that somehow, you can continue to live.
Whether it be the 5 stages of grief or the 12 stages of grief, know that there is no right or wrong way to do it. The grief process isn’t linear. However you feel is exactly how your supposed to feel. You are able to regain control of your unresolved grief, and you may need the help of a mental health professional.
Please follow https://www.thementalmama.net/ for blogs and articles related to child loss. In using my professional and personal experience, I like to discuss the true and raw emotions associated with child loss and how it has impacted not only my life, but the meaning of life in general.
If you are experiencing the need for immediate support, 6 Grief Support Hotlines are available. “Grief hotlines exist primarily to get callers through an immediate crisis. A trained grief-sensitivity volunteer or staff member assesses your situation, the risk to your safety and wellbeing before talking you through a crisis de-escalation process.” -Dr. Alejandra Vasquez
Please see “12 Stages of Grief”, by Karen Rolden for more information regarding the normal or typical loss of loved ones.
Megan RaffertyMiner; BS Child&Family Studies
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